Man watches Kingpin, severs hand to improve bowling skills
Scissors used by Milwax to sever his own hand.
Some athletes will do whatever it takes to get to the next level.
Good techniques include weight training and daily practice. These are clean, responsible ways to get better at a given sport.
Unfortunately there are also bad techniques that can be bad for your health or even illegal. An all too familiar example is the ongoing stories of steroid usage in Major League Baseball. It seems as if there are only two ways to improve, the good way or the bad way.
You can thank Don Milwax for making things not so crystal clear.
In an effort to get better at bowling, the Norman, Okla. resident – get this – cut off his hand.
In order to understand this story, you must know that Milwax has been bowling all of his life. As a child, he claims to have bowled a strike on his very first roll of the ball.
“The first time I went bowling, well it’s a bit hazy,” Milwax said. “But I do know that I bowled a strike on my first ball.”
Home video footage refuted Milwax’s claim. The footage, shot by his mother Joanna, clearly shows Milwax knocking down only one pin on his very first ball. Milwax refused to comment about the issue.
Milwax says that he has improved with each passing year. There is one thing, however, that he has not been able to achieve. Milwax has yet to bowl a perfect game.
“The closest I came to a perfect game was about five months ago,” Milwax said. “I started with [four strikes in a row] … and then I lost it.”
Milwax finished the game with a score of 123.
“I could taste that 300. But I just didn’t think I could ever get that close again,” Milwax said. “I almost gave up on my dreams.”
Milwax went home that night with intentions of quitting the game he loved. This all changed after he watched a movie on FX.
“I went home to watch Rescue Me, it’s my favorite show,” Milwax said. “It wasn’t on that night, and they were playing Kingpin instead.”
The 1996 film depicts Woody Harrelson as Roy Munson, a washed-up, has-been bowler … with only one hand. His hand was severed after he was forced to put it in the bowling ball return.
“I loved Woody Harrelson’s character in the movie,” said Milwax. “He made a comeback after being down and out for so many years. Somehow he did it all with a fake rubber hand.”
After seeing the film, Milwax decided to continue pursuing his dream of bowling a perfect game. In an attempt to improve his bowling skills, Milwax cut off his left hand.
“Kingpin inspired me to change the way I approached bowling,” Milwax said. “That’s why I cut it off.”
Milwax miraculously performed surgery on himself with a pair of scissors and half of a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. Milwax said the pain was excruciating.
Tally “The Meat Hook” Hendrickson, Milwax’s bowling partner, was concerned by Milwax’s actions. Hendrickson assured the Daily that he is not a doctor, but hopes to play one on television some day.
“[Milwax] is lucky to be alive,” Hendrickson said. “He should probably be dead right now.”
Hendrickson said that Milwax’s atrocious cholesterol, not the loss of blood, should have killed him by now.
Milwax has not had any luck at finding a rubber hand to replace his old appendage. Milwax said that he did not realize Prosthetics-R-Us, the fictional store in Kingpin, was only used for comedic purposes.
“I’ve tried some different things to make my stump look more natural,” said Milwax. “I tried a banana, a stick and even one of those hooks that you see pirates wearing. They all just didn’t feel right.”
Milwax hopes to someday be mentioned in the same breath as today’s stars of bowling. He believes that his odd strategy will help him improve. Milwax says his technique isn’t good or bad, he says it is genius.
“I always watch ESPN on Sunday afternoons,” Milwax said. “I just can’t get enough of the Lumber Liquidators PBA Tour. With my new strategy, I’ll be playing with those guys in no time.”
At the moment, it seems as if Milwax has a long way to go to reach the PBA Tour. He has had five months to bowl with only one hand and so far his best game is quite familiar, a 123.
“I really haven’t noticed much of an improvement in my game,” Milwax said. “But I am getting pretty darn good at bowling Granny style.”
